Hmmmm..

Red jumpsuit lyrics...

Damn regret, I'll try to forget
Don't worry about me 'cause I'm refined.

Tried so hard to not have regrets in my life. But this past year i let myself make too many mistakes and now have regrets i wish i could take back. I hate myself for letting these things happen but I take full responsibility for them and only have myself to blame.

It always seems like the end of the world when you make one, and it consumes your everyday thoughts. But after awhile those feelings and memories start to fade. This can be good, but it can also be bad. I wish i could let go and live my life without regrets, but im only human. Just wish i didnt lose a few people close to me these past few days. I hate that ive hurt them and couldnt give them what they wanted. I really wish i could fix everything and give people what they want but i would be miserable myself, so i guess deep down i know im worth something..just trying to figure out what it is.

When i have let myself do things i really think it through, even if they arent the best choices. People can judge me all they want, but if you want to play with morals..my sins are no worse than yours..so stop trying to be holier than thou.

According to dictionary.com the word USED means: to take unfair advantage of; exploit.

I guess you could say this word rules my life. Everyone tells me how much they love me and blah blah..but i realized its only because i let people walk all over me and use me all they want because i have no spine and cant stand up for myself. And when I do, it just gets ignored and nothing changes. So i see no point in changing things, just keep letting myself be used and maybe one day i will be the one who is getting a ride somewhere or "occupying" my room, to say the least. Just keep looking forward to those days, while distracting myself with the things i can change.

2010.

.

Started this year off with a week long college road trip with kathryn. Hit up UCLA, UC San Diego, UC Irvine, and San Diego State. Technically we didnt tour UCLA because we got lost and couldnt find where to go, so we made our own tour. Didnt really like any of the schools except UC Irvine. The second i got there i felt like i was supposed to be there which is really nice. Zot zot zot.

The next was a weekend trip to magic mountain with bekah, graham, matt, and zack. Best/worst road trip. When boys out number girls..its never good. Despite the horrible things that went down, it was still a really good trip. But i will never eat at jack in the box after that.

.

Vegas was the third road trip i took this year. Kathryn and i have some crazy times driving down 5 that include pimps and weed. And once we got to vegas, dancers and strippers. Because it was the two of us, of course stuff went down, but it was definetly a road trip to remember. For some reason we decided to leave Vegas early and hit up magic mountain on the way home. Best idea EVER. We picked the perfect time to go because there was no lines, and the weather was really nice. Even found out they give you free water if your dying of dehydration and ended up taking a detour through Westley, the town from HELL to pickup someones key which was kinda cool.

The week after vegas i hopped on a plane, courtesy of my awesome cousin, and headed for Washington/Oregon. One of the best trips i have ever been on. My first time travelling alone, and i LOVED it. No one to worry about and no agendas but my own. Had such an amazing time there and met so many awesome people. Got to actually have a legit fourth of july with fireworks that are only used for shows here. Hung out with people who made me feel so comfortable being myself. I would give anything to have that with the people i know here.

Ended my travels with a road trip to Disneyland with the Whitcomb family. I LOVE these people. They are such an amazing family to be around and they accept me for me, which its so awesome. Christmas time in Disneyland is probably the best thing on earth. That place is my heaven. If i could spend all my days in one place, i would definetly be spending my hours riding the jungle cruise and tower of terror a million times.

I cant believe how blessed I am to have been able to experience all these amazing trips with the people I love so much. When i was sitting in my friends kitchen last new years eve i made a promise to myself that 2010 was going to be my year. I can say with confidence that this year really was and i am so stoked that i was able to accomplish and do everything i did. I met so many amazing people. had awesome trips. 2 really good school semesters. laughed. cried. laughed until i cried. lost friendships. gained friendships. lost my dog. drove up and down 5 more times than anyone ever should. Fought. Made up. Gained respect for people. Learned so much about myself. All the good and all the bad made this the best year of my life.

Im just stoked to find out what 2011 has in store for me!

Life is like a puzzle...

So me and a friend wanted something to do..we decided to get a puzzle because it had been forever since ive done them and we thought it would be fun. 500 piece puzzle? too easy. We went with 1000 pieces, bad idea. I have never been so frustrated and unpatient in my life. Sitting on my floor with all the pieces scattered around me made me go crazy. I was staring at them hoping somehow they would magically put themselves together. But the border was the only thing that we accomplished in a day and a half.

I thought this puzzle would teach me patience and that things take time, but it only frustrated me to the point that i was really upset. I then realized our lives our like a puzzle. We want things to be put together and work out in that moment, but it cant happen like that. It takes time because you have to have certain pieces put together before the other ones can be added. So many times i think to myself, why cant it just happen right now?! but i now know that i have to get other parts of my life in order before my future can be realized. =)

Alrighty then.

its irritating to have people who only call or text when they want something. Just sayin.

quitters never win.

So today i realized something. Growing up, if something wasn't going the way it should have been or you just couldn't handle it, we were taught to give up. My mom gives up if it isn't convenient for her. She gave up on her family, and herself. She gave up on her kids. She gave up on alot of things because she didn't want to deal with them. The dog that i do have left was barking and i told her to stop, my mom then said why don't we just get rid of her. That was my aha moment as Oprah would say. She took my dog from me because she got lazy, she doesn't understand commitment to an animal or anything for that matter, except for her damn books.

Thinking back on my life, there have been many times when things got hard, and her answer was to give up. My geometry class i wasn't doing so well in, she told me to quit. I didn't because i don't agree with giving up when times get hard. Even though i ended up with a D, i still persevered and the lesson was more valuable than some grade. When my friends don't come through for me, she tells me to drop them, they will never change. i never have. I believe in second, third, and even fourth chances for everybody, even if they've screwed me over. When i was learning how to drive and wasn't driving the way she thought was correct, she would make me stop. Its kind of funny considering shes the one who drove through an apartment, hit a fence in the road, drives over medians, and any thing she can.

She runs from her problems. Her family is non existent to her because she just doesn't want to deal with conflict. She chooses to hear half of what her "precious" pastor talks about in church, but ignores the other half because she doesn't want to hear it. I have gone through things that would have killed my mom, but i never have given up. Sometimes i want to quit and run away, but i know that if i don't face things head on, they wont go away so i have to deal with it in order to live my life.

I had this friend that stopped smoking, but the next time i saw him he was at it again. I told him i thought he had quit, and his response was "quitters never win" in his context it was wrong, but for what I'm talking about it makes so much sense. If you want to win, you cant quit. The Nickelback lyrics " whats worth the prize is always worth the fight" is dead on. Make fun, but you know those words are the truth.

cant give up.

There is nothing i find more frustrating than trying to jog and having so much pain in my chest that i stop breathing. I look around me at people who can go miles and the thing they complain about is their feet, I wish that was my problem. I hate so much knowing that i can do something, but not have the ability to, and jogging is no exception. I blame the fact that i am a perfectionist and the reason it makes me cry whenever i try because i always think maybe this time will be different, but after 3 minutes i feel like im having a heart attack and want to fall over because it hurts so bad. 3 minutes is such a short amount of time and i hate that. Alot of people take being able to walk for granted, but what makes me really upset is the people that take jogging for granted because they have the lungs for it. My stupid lung condition is really starting to affect my life and im realizing all the things i cant do, and wont be able to. I cant jog or run, my dream of doing a marathon is definetly out of the question, i cant jump on a trampoline and i even thought about joining the police academy but i now realize that will never happen because my lungs wouldnt be able to handle it, and the day i figured that out really crushed me. It has never been a big deal to me, something weird i have, which isnt unusual. If its rare or weird..i most likely have it. But now that i am getting older and thinking about what i want for my future, knowing i am limited because of something inside me is making me very discouraged.

I know i need to stop complaining because there are so many people that have problems that are SO much worse than mine, and i hate that something little like this is affecting me in such a big way. I am almost ashamed because if people who dont have legs or who have disfigured feet heard me complaining they would think i am crazy and im sure they would be pissed at me, i would be too.

So I am very thankful that something like Costochondritis is all i have to complain about, and i just have to keep telling myself it could be worse. But until i can start beliving that, my nightly jogs will consist of kesha and crying.

What's the point in all this screaming, no one's listening anyway

I hate the fact that a great day can be shattered in a matter of seconds. I hate that i cant speak up about my beliefs or ideas because they are wrong. I hate that i love my friends parents and family more than my own. I hate that someone can be so wrapped up in their own world they will hurt others and not even care. I hate that i dread being home. I hate that i cant get away. I hate that people are hypocrites and are jesus freaks on sunday and abusive pieces of crap on monday. I hate that those with the issues and who are psychotic pretend to be perfect and people buy it. I hate the word love because it doesnt exsist.

I hate feeling hopeless. I hate crying and being weak. I hate watching things happen and not being able to fix them. I hate putting my feelings aside. I hate pretending i dont care when i really do. I hate being used. I hate faking a smile when inside i want to die. I hate that i have a secret that i dont know what to do with. I hate that i feel like i have no one to talk to. I hate being the one to encourage everyone when i want to cry myself. I hate that people cant respect my morals and decisions. I hate that no one can really see.

I hate that i dont let people get close to me. I hate that i cant love my family like everyone else can. I hate that music has become an escape to hide my pain. I hate that i want to drink until i drown. I hate that people can tell when im upset. I hate that i push people away. I hate that im scared. I hate that im scared of hurting people to the point i hurt myself. I hate that i let myself be put down. I hate letting myself be used and abused. I hate my past. I hate that im writing this.

Good Times :)

So today has just been one of those days, but in a good way! Started off my morning by getting ready and enjoying it and then was asked to do a favor for someone..which threw my morning into chaos, lost my speech and my dog, no breakfast, running out the door, but i wouldnt have it any other day. I love helping people and doing favors for them. Today was officially the last legit day of school and finals begin next week, cannot believe i made it to this point already!!

I am going to miss so many people now that schools over, it sucks. Here is a list of things that i LOVED about my semester.

* Hanging out with the group from french, even though i wasnt in their class..but they still allowed me to haha.

* Hanging out with frankie and katy for 2 hours before speech talking in the cafeteria and making videos.

* Running into so many people all over campus everyday and having random conversations.

* Having confidence to talk to strangers

* Walking with lauren and Jacqui to Psychology and gossiping about random people.

* Hanging out with the people from speech class..the one i dreaded the most, yet my favorite class i think i have ever taken. We never knew what was gunna be presented to us, and in the case of a certain dude..we had so many laughs at his expense..which i feel awful for, but he makes it impossible not to laugh until you cry.

* Seeing people i have known for along time and standing outside in the 30 degree weather talking for hours.

* Playing dickin around in the cafeteria and borders with joe and sammy, and the crazy times we had in human sexuality. No one understands what the class is really like, and these people became really good friends. Only wish i would have met them sooner.

* Taking chances and doing things i never have before.

* Going to my first football game

* Texting people who were sitting 2 feet from me for entire class sessions

* The arguments about weed that i would always lose

* Being a nervous wreck speaking in front of entire classrooms.

* Meeting some very odd people.

* Talking and making jokes with kevin,katy, & frankie in speech.

* Putting myself out there to be hurt and criticized, but feeling alive.

* How scared i was to talk to certain people, and now i dont even care.

* That my friends were all right and i should have pursued people sooner.

* All the different bracelets people gave me this semester.

* Watching people fight over a dominoes game in the cafeteria.

* Having people talk crap about me, because it just made me laugh.

* Getting sour worms from the bookstore.

* EVERY SINGLE person i became friends with.

* All the inside jokes

* The tears shed over guys

* The stress that i put myself through, only to realize i owned my classes.

* The serious life conversations in the hallways and cafeteria

* Driving to school with my music blaring and dancing while people stared.

* Texting people i met from sun up to sun down.

* Facing the hardest things of my life, and writing them for others to read.

* Opening up to people i normally wouldnt have.

* Finding out how much i have in common with complete strangers.

* Leonard and listening to the ridiculous things that came out of his mouth.

* Gus.

* All the drama that seemed so important at the time.

* The laughs i shared with people.

* The tears i cried over people, and my school.

* My criminal justice, human sexuality, and speech teachers.

* My many facebook updates pertaining to school and people who were there.

I could go on forever, and after reading all of these, it brought tears to my eyes. This has been the best semester of my life. These last 4 months went by like nothing and i know this may sound lame, but i wish it didnt have to end. I know most people would disagree and are glad school is ending for now, but i love making the best of stuff and school is not an exception. All good things must come to an end, but every one of my memories i have made, and people i met, will stick with me forever.

Thanksgiving

Today started out just like every year before it for as long as i can remember. Every family has a yearly tradition, my family's is Drama, stress and fighting. Drama over how to spend the day because people cant simply plan their day and follow a schedule. Stress because people have no time management. Fighting because its a holiday tradition...so anything to start an argument will do. Today it was because i wouldn't help my mom get ready for the day because she was running late, and if i don't bow down to her I'm labeled self centered and selfish. Hearing this constantly is starting to get to me, and today i finally couldn't handle it and broke down in my sisters bathroom. Probably the best place to do it, because when you have a sister like mine, you can cry and look hideous, but still know how much you are loved and not judged. Today being thanksgiving, i am very very thankful that my brother married her, because i cant imagine my life without her.


Last night while doing my nightly jog, i was thinking how different my life is now than it was 1 year ago. So much has changed and happened that i didn't even realize until it hit me last night. At this time last year, i was dealing with the hardest thing i have ever had to face. Never did i imagine opening up to those closest to me with my past, but because i did it has helped me in every aspect of my life. I lost people that were close to me, but i guess it had to happen. I gained friendships that I never imagined i would have and became close with some amazing people who helped change my life.

I learned alot this past year about myself and others as well. I learned to look at the bright side of the darkness. That no matter how bad the situation, you can use it as a learning experience and turn it into a positive story that can help others. There is always someone who has it worse and is going through much harder things than you, so be thankful that you are not that person. Feeling sorry for yourself and complaining about your problems will get you no where in life, but helping those around you and putting yourself last will help you heal. I learned to do this and be there for other people and do whatever i can to please them and keep them happy, even if it meant putting myself in situations i shouldn't have. Lately it seems like I am being tested with my strength and morals. Almost daily i have to deal with guys who seem to think its ok to talk down to me because i don't give them what they want, or have rumors spread about me because i wont conform. I am always up for a challenge, but i can guarantee that i will not lose this battle. So they can keep coming after me one by one, but i have stood my ground and will continue to for as long as i have to.

There were two Oprah episodes that were dedicated to men who were raped and abused as children. I had never seen anything like this in my whole life, and i cannot believe how brave these men were to share their past and stories on national television for the whole world to see. I also don't think i have cried so much watching tv in my life. I was so happy that they could open up and not worry about what others would think, and i was shocked at how brave they were. It then forced me to look inside of myself and made me feel horrible because if they can talk about their horror, why cant i talk about mine? From that day on, i decided that i would not be embarrassed or ashamed or hide any more, and i will be open about the abuse that i endured.

I have grown into somebody that i have always wanted to be. Everyday, every situation, every time something doesn't go according to plan, it's just a lesson in disguise. It is our job to figure out what that lesson is. All the classes in psychology, criminal justice, and sociology that i have taken have opened my eyes to so much in life i never thought i would see, and i am so thankful that i have. I have learned about others around me who are "different" as society would label them, but i have gained so much knowledge and understanding about many cultures, genders, sexes, races, beliefs, and religions that my view on life is completely different than many people around me, but that's what makes life so beautiful. If everyone thought the same and believed the same, life would be so boring and dull. Differences are what make us individuals and it only makes me sad that many people cannot understand this and spend their time judging others. I have met so many people this semester, i cant believe it, and they have all changed my life for the better and taught me things. I love every one of them and i cant believe how lucky i am to have these new people in my life.

Thanks to my human sexuality class i have become very comfortable with sexuality and am so open about it, it might scare some people. This class made me take a look at my own life and the decisions i have made and will make when it comes to this area of my life. I finally know that it is okay to do things on my terms and feel the way that i do. People can judge me for them, but i have nothing to prove to anyone but God and so their ignorance is their problem, not mine. Yes, i have made some huge mistakes this year, but nothing that i ha vent been able to handle. I believe regret it a wasted emotion because you can't change the past, so why ruminate about it? I have felt guilty and of course regretted my decisions, but i have learned to live with myself and realize that i am only human. If you have hung out with me recently, you have heard my stereotype bend that i am on. Mostly about gender, but i am finally realizing how much society tries to make us be what they think is normal, but no one person can decide what is normal, so everywhere i look i see examples of racism, stereotyping, prejudice, discrimination, and it breaks my heart that people have the "heart" to hate others, and it makes me upset that people will go through life hating and judging others and being miserable and will miss out on the amazing things life has to offer.


So here is what I'm thankful for this year:

I'm thankful that this has been the hardest year of my life. Thankful that i have been hurt. Thankful I faced things i never wanted to. Thankful for all the things that went wrong. Because if it wasn't for these things, i wouldn't be the person i am today, and i owe it every one of my friends who helped me through. This year i learned to turn tragedies into positive experiences, and I cant think of anything greater than this.

fake.

According to the dictionary the word fake means: imposter, a person who makes deceitful pretenses.

If only it could capture the emotions that a fake person brings to those they surround. Everyday we encounter many people in our lives and most of the time we do not even know who these people are, yet we think we do. We fall victim to their lies, and facades they present because we want to believe in genuine kindness.

My parents and family members are the worse excuse for christians i have ever seen in my life. They hate.judge.abuse.hurt.gossip.slander.degrade.reject. everyone around them if they do not believe and agree with every word that flows out of their hypocritical mouths. They are quick to judge, and push their beliefs on others, but cant take a minute to hear what others believe. Close mindedness is to me, the worst thing that can happen to a person. How someone can live life only seeing one side of everything and being bitter towards everyone and everything blows my mind.

If we are all in college, why are we acting like jr. highers and highschoolers with our bullshit drama? Hurting whoever we can because we are not comfortable with ourselves is the dumbest thing we can do. People who are trying to "defend" others, are only trying to prove their masculinity and cause more drama, not really trying to protect others. if you have to tear others down to build yourself up, i feel so sorry for you. If we dont grow up and learn to act like the adults that we are, trouble is headed our way like a speeding train.

I am so sick of being the one holding everyone up and being the strong one. Everyone has problems, and some are serious..but others are miniscule like boys and looks. I have to walk around with a huge secret inside because people arent strong enough to handle it, and it would crash their worlds. But has anyone thought of what its like for me to have to deal with this and think about it every damn day of my life. Who worries about how i am handlng it? im told all the time im strong..but i dont want to be. I want to cry and ask for help. I have people who support me, but i need a third party psychologist who can really help me sort through all these feelings. and having to deal with dumb shit everyday is pushing me farther and farther to the edge.

I need to be away from everything that brings me down.

Happiness is a choice people!

so much goin on lately its crazy. everyone i know is dealing with hard stuff and it really bites. Guys..crazy family..bad friends..you name it..my friends and I are dealing with. I guess its just a time in our lives where things have to change and not necessarily for the good.

They say that in order to be happy we have to endure pain, because without it, we wouldnt know what happiness is. This is easier said than lived. No one wants to have to go through pain and tragedy in their life, but no matter who you are, rich or poor, you will face hard times. We need to learn to expect it and brace ourselves instead of running and hiding because no matter how hard we try, we cannot get away from it.

Winston Churchill once said, "if your going through hell, keep going." Because if we allow our misery to consume our lives, it will only bring us down. When it seems like your life is spiraling down and you are failing, you cant stop because you will be stuck..and no one wants to be stuck in hell, therefore we must keep marching on until we see the light.

Happiness is a choice that we must make every morning when we wake up. If you want to be happy, then dont let anything stop you. We have to choose to feel happy, we cannot expect it. "When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." One of my favorite Helen Keller quotes reminds me that what we think will make us happy, might in fact be completly wrong and if we stop focusing on what went wrong, our eyes then will be open to lots of new possibilites, but we have to stop focusing on the negative.

The other day I was in a store with one of my bests and found a card that read, "fall in love or fall in hate. get inspired or get depressed. ace a test or flunk a class. make babies or make art. speak the truth or lie and cheat. dance on tables or sit in the corner. life is divine chaos. embrace it. forgive yourself. breathe. enjoy the ride." This spoke to me like i couldnt believe. I started realizing that I have to stop being scared of being hurt, scared of letting people in, and scared of telling my true feelings. I have to choose to make my life the way i want, and i will not sit around any longer waiting for my life to start. I am in control of it, i must choose to enjoy it and not let dumb things like guys and backstabbers get in my way. We only have one life and i dont want to look back on mine and regret that i didnt do more.

So from this moment on, i REFUSE to let myself get depressed. People will always hurt me and things will not always go the way i want, but i am learning to turn the negative into someting positive because worrying is an emotion that does me no good. I am learning that life is just a game of choices and i am choosing happiness.

Leaving it behind

Gotta get the courage to just do it. So many things that im scared of doing and saying to people, but its time to change that. Im sick of being screwed over by "friends" and even "family" for that matter. Sick of hiding my feelings for him. Being made to feel guilty for doing nothing wrong because im to much of a pansy to stick up for myself. Welllll ive said it before but this time i gotta change all of it, because life is to damn short to let people walk all over you. Shits already gone down with people and its about to get a whole lot worse.

People think they can lie, but never realize that to keep something hidden you just gotta keep lying and eventually you wont remember what story you told to who and guess what...those lies are starting to come undone so its go time baby! ive tried before but its been turned around to make me look like the one who should feel bad..and its worked, but no more. I know i dont deserve this shit anymore, the put downs and the dumbass drama ive been put me through. ITS OVERRRR!!!

People always judge and put others down to make themselves feel better. but the funny thing is, those are the people who have the most to hide..affairs..drugs..secret lives that they think others are oblivous to..buttt guess what..people know your secrets..so ya better be careful about judging others...like ben folds says It seems to me if you can't trust You can't be trusted. I guess I don’t really know much though because after all im just a “young adult” and im immature..but that’s okay because id rather be me..than a grown up child.

SoOoO basically im done with all the unnecessary drama that ive been put through by people who arent worth my energy and time. There are people who actually care and they are the ones who I want to be around because they make my life wayyy better. Soo HASTA LA VISTA to the dumb people and drama in my life…im D O N E!

Friends

So at this time it basically seems hopeless..but i know its not...tho it looks like it will never happen..it will eventually! The catch..no matter how much i keep telling myself and friends this..i still cannot really believe it myself.

Its almost the 19th birthday..yet my life really feels no different from any of my previous birthdays. Lately ive gotten close to some really awesome people..how did i make it through all these years without them? I dont know! lol but ive been able to let them in ..which was hard for me..but i am sooo glad that i have. Spending basically every weekend for the past month or so with them has been some of the best times ive ever had. There have been so many firsts with you guys! So i guess this birthday as well as everyday of my life is becoming different than im used to and im loving every minute of it. so thank you to the four of ya guys for showing me life will be okay! And of course to all of my amazing other friends and few and I mean few family members!!

Theres this chica..you know who you are :) i dont think ive ever had so much in common with anyone like the two of us! minus the liking kids thing! hahaha no homo..butttt its like we were made for eachother hehe!!...everything that i have gone through youve been there too and its so awesome to have you as my friend..and fellow wolfpack member ;) even though we havent known each other that long..it feels like i have..and i luv that!! soooo i jus wanted to say im hella glad we met and i can tell this is gunna be a really good friendship!

Guys will come and go..or in my case they will just go..but real friends are forever!! Lately i have been the happiest i have ever been..but at the same time the most irritated because letting go of people, guys, and past regrets hasnt been easy..but since i have..i have been way happier!

I started this off by saying that i basically feel hopeless..and i guess i still do..but life has a way of changing in a matter of seconds..so who knows whats gunna go on tomorrow or the day after that.. but i guess this is a thank you to those people in my life who are helping keep me sane! Nowwww we jus needa parttyyy!!! hehe