Hmmmm..

Red jumpsuit lyrics...

Damn regret, I'll try to forget
Don't worry about me 'cause I'm refined.

Tried so hard to not have regrets in my life. But this past year i let myself make too many mistakes and now have regrets i wish i could take back. I hate myself for letting these things happen but I take full responsibility for them and only have myself to blame.

It always seems like the end of the world when you make one, and it consumes your everyday thoughts. But after awhile those feelings and memories start to fade. This can be good, but it can also be bad. I wish i could let go and live my life without regrets, but im only human. Just wish i didnt lose a few people close to me these past few days. I hate that ive hurt them and couldnt give them what they wanted. I really wish i could fix everything and give people what they want but i would be miserable myself, so i guess deep down i know im worth something..just trying to figure out what it is.

When i have let myself do things i really think it through, even if they arent the best choices. People can judge me all they want, but if you want to play with morals..my sins are no worse than yours..so stop trying to be holier than thou.

According to dictionary.com the word USED means: to take unfair advantage of; exploit.

I guess you could say this word rules my life. Everyone tells me how much they love me and blah blah..but i realized its only because i let people walk all over me and use me all they want because i have no spine and cant stand up for myself. And when I do, it just gets ignored and nothing changes. So i see no point in changing things, just keep letting myself be used and maybe one day i will be the one who is getting a ride somewhere or "occupying" my room, to say the least. Just keep looking forward to those days, while distracting myself with the things i can change.

2010.

.

Started this year off with a week long college road trip with kathryn. Hit up UCLA, UC San Diego, UC Irvine, and San Diego State. Technically we didnt tour UCLA because we got lost and couldnt find where to go, so we made our own tour. Didnt really like any of the schools except UC Irvine. The second i got there i felt like i was supposed to be there which is really nice. Zot zot zot.

The next was a weekend trip to magic mountain with bekah, graham, matt, and zack. Best/worst road trip. When boys out number girls..its never good. Despite the horrible things that went down, it was still a really good trip. But i will never eat at jack in the box after that.

.

Vegas was the third road trip i took this year. Kathryn and i have some crazy times driving down 5 that include pimps and weed. And once we got to vegas, dancers and strippers. Because it was the two of us, of course stuff went down, but it was definetly a road trip to remember. For some reason we decided to leave Vegas early and hit up magic mountain on the way home. Best idea EVER. We picked the perfect time to go because there was no lines, and the weather was really nice. Even found out they give you free water if your dying of dehydration and ended up taking a detour through Westley, the town from HELL to pickup someones key which was kinda cool.

The week after vegas i hopped on a plane, courtesy of my awesome cousin, and headed for Washington/Oregon. One of the best trips i have ever been on. My first time travelling alone, and i LOVED it. No one to worry about and no agendas but my own. Had such an amazing time there and met so many awesome people. Got to actually have a legit fourth of july with fireworks that are only used for shows here. Hung out with people who made me feel so comfortable being myself. I would give anything to have that with the people i know here.

Ended my travels with a road trip to Disneyland with the Whitcomb family. I LOVE these people. They are such an amazing family to be around and they accept me for me, which its so awesome. Christmas time in Disneyland is probably the best thing on earth. That place is my heaven. If i could spend all my days in one place, i would definetly be spending my hours riding the jungle cruise and tower of terror a million times.

I cant believe how blessed I am to have been able to experience all these amazing trips with the people I love so much. When i was sitting in my friends kitchen last new years eve i made a promise to myself that 2010 was going to be my year. I can say with confidence that this year really was and i am so stoked that i was able to accomplish and do everything i did. I met so many amazing people. had awesome trips. 2 really good school semesters. laughed. cried. laughed until i cried. lost friendships. gained friendships. lost my dog. drove up and down 5 more times than anyone ever should. Fought. Made up. Gained respect for people. Learned so much about myself. All the good and all the bad made this the best year of my life.

Im just stoked to find out what 2011 has in store for me!

Life is like a puzzle...

So me and a friend wanted something to do..we decided to get a puzzle because it had been forever since ive done them and we thought it would be fun. 500 piece puzzle? too easy. We went with 1000 pieces, bad idea. I have never been so frustrated and unpatient in my life. Sitting on my floor with all the pieces scattered around me made me go crazy. I was staring at them hoping somehow they would magically put themselves together. But the border was the only thing that we accomplished in a day and a half.

I thought this puzzle would teach me patience and that things take time, but it only frustrated me to the point that i was really upset. I then realized our lives our like a puzzle. We want things to be put together and work out in that moment, but it cant happen like that. It takes time because you have to have certain pieces put together before the other ones can be added. So many times i think to myself, why cant it just happen right now?! but i now know that i have to get other parts of my life in order before my future can be realized. =)

Alrighty then.

its irritating to have people who only call or text when they want something. Just sayin.

quitters never win.

So today i realized something. Growing up, if something wasn't going the way it should have been or you just couldn't handle it, we were taught to give up. My mom gives up if it isn't convenient for her. She gave up on her family, and herself. She gave up on her kids. She gave up on alot of things because she didn't want to deal with them. The dog that i do have left was barking and i told her to stop, my mom then said why don't we just get rid of her. That was my aha moment as Oprah would say. She took my dog from me because she got lazy, she doesn't understand commitment to an animal or anything for that matter, except for her damn books.

Thinking back on my life, there have been many times when things got hard, and her answer was to give up. My geometry class i wasn't doing so well in, she told me to quit. I didn't because i don't agree with giving up when times get hard. Even though i ended up with a D, i still persevered and the lesson was more valuable than some grade. When my friends don't come through for me, she tells me to drop them, they will never change. i never have. I believe in second, third, and even fourth chances for everybody, even if they've screwed me over. When i was learning how to drive and wasn't driving the way she thought was correct, she would make me stop. Its kind of funny considering shes the one who drove through an apartment, hit a fence in the road, drives over medians, and any thing she can.

She runs from her problems. Her family is non existent to her because she just doesn't want to deal with conflict. She chooses to hear half of what her "precious" pastor talks about in church, but ignores the other half because she doesn't want to hear it. I have gone through things that would have killed my mom, but i never have given up. Sometimes i want to quit and run away, but i know that if i don't face things head on, they wont go away so i have to deal with it in order to live my life.

I had this friend that stopped smoking, but the next time i saw him he was at it again. I told him i thought he had quit, and his response was "quitters never win" in his context it was wrong, but for what I'm talking about it makes so much sense. If you want to win, you cant quit. The Nickelback lyrics " whats worth the prize is always worth the fight" is dead on. Make fun, but you know those words are the truth.

cant give up.

There is nothing i find more frustrating than trying to jog and having so much pain in my chest that i stop breathing. I look around me at people who can go miles and the thing they complain about is their feet, I wish that was my problem. I hate so much knowing that i can do something, but not have the ability to, and jogging is no exception. I blame the fact that i am a perfectionist and the reason it makes me cry whenever i try because i always think maybe this time will be different, but after 3 minutes i feel like im having a heart attack and want to fall over because it hurts so bad. 3 minutes is such a short amount of time and i hate that. Alot of people take being able to walk for granted, but what makes me really upset is the people that take jogging for granted because they have the lungs for it. My stupid lung condition is really starting to affect my life and im realizing all the things i cant do, and wont be able to. I cant jog or run, my dream of doing a marathon is definetly out of the question, i cant jump on a trampoline and i even thought about joining the police academy but i now realize that will never happen because my lungs wouldnt be able to handle it, and the day i figured that out really crushed me. It has never been a big deal to me, something weird i have, which isnt unusual. If its rare or weird..i most likely have it. But now that i am getting older and thinking about what i want for my future, knowing i am limited because of something inside me is making me very discouraged.

I know i need to stop complaining because there are so many people that have problems that are SO much worse than mine, and i hate that something little like this is affecting me in such a big way. I am almost ashamed because if people who dont have legs or who have disfigured feet heard me complaining they would think i am crazy and im sure they would be pissed at me, i would be too.

So I am very thankful that something like Costochondritis is all i have to complain about, and i just have to keep telling myself it could be worse. But until i can start beliving that, my nightly jogs will consist of kesha and crying.

What's the point in all this screaming, no one's listening anyway

I hate the fact that a great day can be shattered in a matter of seconds. I hate that i cant speak up about my beliefs or ideas because they are wrong. I hate that i love my friends parents and family more than my own. I hate that someone can be so wrapped up in their own world they will hurt others and not even care. I hate that i dread being home. I hate that i cant get away. I hate that people are hypocrites and are jesus freaks on sunday and abusive pieces of crap on monday. I hate that those with the issues and who are psychotic pretend to be perfect and people buy it. I hate the word love because it doesnt exsist.

I hate feeling hopeless. I hate crying and being weak. I hate watching things happen and not being able to fix them. I hate putting my feelings aside. I hate pretending i dont care when i really do. I hate being used. I hate faking a smile when inside i want to die. I hate that i have a secret that i dont know what to do with. I hate that i feel like i have no one to talk to. I hate being the one to encourage everyone when i want to cry myself. I hate that people cant respect my morals and decisions. I hate that no one can really see.

I hate that i dont let people get close to me. I hate that i cant love my family like everyone else can. I hate that music has become an escape to hide my pain. I hate that i want to drink until i drown. I hate that people can tell when im upset. I hate that i push people away. I hate that im scared. I hate that im scared of hurting people to the point i hurt myself. I hate that i let myself be put down. I hate letting myself be used and abused. I hate my past. I hate that im writing this.

Good Times :)

So today has just been one of those days, but in a good way! Started off my morning by getting ready and enjoying it and then was asked to do a favor for someone..which threw my morning into chaos, lost my speech and my dog, no breakfast, running out the door, but i wouldnt have it any other day. I love helping people and doing favors for them. Today was officially the last legit day of school and finals begin next week, cannot believe i made it to this point already!!

I am going to miss so many people now that schools over, it sucks. Here is a list of things that i LOVED about my semester.

* Hanging out with the group from french, even though i wasnt in their class..but they still allowed me to haha.

* Hanging out with frankie and katy for 2 hours before speech talking in the cafeteria and making videos.

* Running into so many people all over campus everyday and having random conversations.

* Having confidence to talk to strangers

* Walking with lauren and Jacqui to Psychology and gossiping about random people.

* Hanging out with the people from speech class..the one i dreaded the most, yet my favorite class i think i have ever taken. We never knew what was gunna be presented to us, and in the case of a certain dude..we had so many laughs at his expense..which i feel awful for, but he makes it impossible not to laugh until you cry.

* Seeing people i have known for along time and standing outside in the 30 degree weather talking for hours.

* Playing dickin around in the cafeteria and borders with joe and sammy, and the crazy times we had in human sexuality. No one understands what the class is really like, and these people became really good friends. Only wish i would have met them sooner.

* Taking chances and doing things i never have before.

* Going to my first football game

* Texting people who were sitting 2 feet from me for entire class sessions

* The arguments about weed that i would always lose

* Being a nervous wreck speaking in front of entire classrooms.

* Meeting some very odd people.

* Talking and making jokes with kevin,katy, & frankie in speech.

* Putting myself out there to be hurt and criticized, but feeling alive.

* How scared i was to talk to certain people, and now i dont even care.

* That my friends were all right and i should have pursued people sooner.

* All the different bracelets people gave me this semester.

* Watching people fight over a dominoes game in the cafeteria.

* Having people talk crap about me, because it just made me laugh.

* Getting sour worms from the bookstore.

* EVERY SINGLE person i became friends with.

* All the inside jokes

* The tears shed over guys

* The stress that i put myself through, only to realize i owned my classes.

* The serious life conversations in the hallways and cafeteria

* Driving to school with my music blaring and dancing while people stared.

* Texting people i met from sun up to sun down.

* Facing the hardest things of my life, and writing them for others to read.

* Opening up to people i normally wouldnt have.

* Finding out how much i have in common with complete strangers.

* Leonard and listening to the ridiculous things that came out of his mouth.

* Gus.

* All the drama that seemed so important at the time.

* The laughs i shared with people.

* The tears i cried over people, and my school.

* My criminal justice, human sexuality, and speech teachers.

* My many facebook updates pertaining to school and people who were there.

I could go on forever, and after reading all of these, it brought tears to my eyes. This has been the best semester of my life. These last 4 months went by like nothing and i know this may sound lame, but i wish it didnt have to end. I know most people would disagree and are glad school is ending for now, but i love making the best of stuff and school is not an exception. All good things must come to an end, but every one of my memories i have made, and people i met, will stick with me forever.