Identity: condition or character as to who a person is. But an identity can be shattered in the blink of an eye. Why is it that something that you've worked so hard for, is so easy to screw up?
I never realized how much of my life was tied to something so private. It was the very being of who I was and everything I stood for. Everyone knew me for my beliefs and standing up for my morals. But I guess none of that matters anymore, because I have let myself down and all those around me.
I have people close to me who i used to look at and tell myself i would never be that person, yet here i sit on my bed heading down that exact path. I honestly don't know how i feel at all. One minute im happy, the next angry, and then i break down crying. I take full responsibility for what happened, I knew the stakes and i still gambled. I became that girl i swore I NEVER would, and now im left feeling empty and alone.
Now im faced with figuring out what my next move should be. I have listened to advice from my friends, but none of it clicks for me. These 19 days of break have been the craziest and most adventerous I've ever experienced. Hiked 11 miles, jogged the hills, explored caves, made bon fires, made new friends. But the one thing that i will remember forever is the one thing that i cant bring myself to type. Because I think I am still in shock, i dont know how to act or what to say. Just slap a smile on my face and pretend everything is okay, because then i dont have to face it.
Tomorrow begins 6 weeks of summer school. Was looking forward to them in a weird way, but now my whole world has become consumed with my thoughts of my mistakes, and trying to focus on school will now become an uphill battle for me. Luckily im pretty good and fighting my way to the top of those hills, so i guess only time will tell what happens now.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Wish you knew.
Why is it that when you have something amazing you don't know it until you no longer have it? I wish I could go back to last semester more than anything. It was all perfect but I had no idea and now I would give anything to be around the people I took for granted.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Life is good.
Getting back to the things that used to make me happy, made me realize just how much i missed and need them. Turning off the phone and letting myself truly be alone, theres nothing better than that. If people can't contact you, they cant bring you down and irritate you with their drama!
Of course people will try and bring you down and make you feel bad whenever they get the chance, but not if i dont let them. Tell me to stand up for myself, but when i do, then try to say things to piss me off, aint gunna work people. I will not apologize for being happy, because it offends you..get your own life and let me live mine.
Listening to the rain and wind slam against my window sounding like its going to shatter it any second while music plays and candles are lit is the perfect sunday. Almost makes me forget ive never been this stressed in my life.
Keeping my thoughts and problems to myself is so gratifying. I like having things that are mine, and no one can give me their opinion or judge me. I have missed the days when i had no friends and i would sit in my room thinking and writing and just relaxing, thats definetly something thats coming back.
There is 1 thing in particular that is making my nights sleepless and my days stressful..my psychology experiment paper that i cant start to save my life. Its all i can think about and wish that it was may 25th already. Came into this semester thinking that statistics would be my bane. But actually stats is going pretty good which is shocking to me. The day i get this damn paper done, will be a good day.
Something random but so irritating: when i say im good alone, and NO one seems to hear it. No i dont want to go out with you, no i dont want or need a boyfriend right now. But for some reason my phone is blowing up with texts and people will even more their seat to sit by me, pisses me off. Definetly not trying to sound conceeded, i just hate when what i want cant be respected. Of course i will be nice and talk to you, but thats just being friendly. It does NOT mean anything more.
It comes down to the fact that like everyone else, im trying to find my place and purpose in this world. Its the little things in life that make me smile and forget all the bad. Just have to hold onto those things and cherish the short time that we have on this earth, because it can always be so much worse!
Of course people will try and bring you down and make you feel bad whenever they get the chance, but not if i dont let them. Tell me to stand up for myself, but when i do, then try to say things to piss me off, aint gunna work people. I will not apologize for being happy, because it offends you..get your own life and let me live mine.
Listening to the rain and wind slam against my window sounding like its going to shatter it any second while music plays and candles are lit is the perfect sunday. Almost makes me forget ive never been this stressed in my life.
Keeping my thoughts and problems to myself is so gratifying. I like having things that are mine, and no one can give me their opinion or judge me. I have missed the days when i had no friends and i would sit in my room thinking and writing and just relaxing, thats definetly something thats coming back.
There is 1 thing in particular that is making my nights sleepless and my days stressful..my psychology experiment paper that i cant start to save my life. Its all i can think about and wish that it was may 25th already. Came into this semester thinking that statistics would be my bane. But actually stats is going pretty good which is shocking to me. The day i get this damn paper done, will be a good day.
Something random but so irritating: when i say im good alone, and NO one seems to hear it. No i dont want to go out with you, no i dont want or need a boyfriend right now. But for some reason my phone is blowing up with texts and people will even more their seat to sit by me, pisses me off. Definetly not trying to sound conceeded, i just hate when what i want cant be respected. Of course i will be nice and talk to you, but thats just being friendly. It does NOT mean anything more.
It comes down to the fact that like everyone else, im trying to find my place and purpose in this world. Its the little things in life that make me smile and forget all the bad. Just have to hold onto those things and cherish the short time that we have on this earth, because it can always be so much worse!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Random Thoughtsssssss.
You know youve been playing pool too much when your hands are blue from chalk. Ive spent many hours in my living room listening to music and having pool competitions with my friends, or playing alone to get better. I love the sound of the ball when you hit it with such force that it slams into another or goes into one of the pockets.
I started taking my anger out on the pool balls and it actually really helped which is kinda cool. Everytime I hit the cue ball it makes me feel like im actually good at something. Kind of odd that pool would be my thing, but then again im not really "normal" when it comes to alot of things, but who does society say is normal? ;) (just had to incorporate that in here somehow)
Lately it seems like im behind everyone in things they are doing or what they are into. This past month ive watched 500 days of summer, juno, rent, and twilight is next on my list. I love that im just discovering these things on my own time and not when everyone else is, gives me something to look forward to. Got an iphone finally..about TIME! everyone in my family(minus my dad who still has a 2G phone) and many of my friends have them, i LOVE this phone, probably more than an inatimate object should be loved. There is so much i can do with it, drink recipes, games, the bible, weather, school apps, everything a person needs is contained on this phone. My favorite app would definetly be the police scanner, im addicted. Always have that thing turned on and i love when something rediculous comes through like when a wife hit her husband with a wii remote or when a guy lit a trash can on fire and put it in his house..wtf?
Got myself new bracelets..a peace bracelet because it always reminds me that i need to be peaceful and there is more important things in life than drama. Lauren gave me one of my favorite bracelets ever..the fact that it came from disneyland makes it even cooler. Its simple..just says hope. But that little 4 letter word has such a huge impact on my life. Everytime i look at it, reminds me that i can never give up and i have to always keep hoping because i never know when that hope will turn to reality. :) Both my wrists are covered in many bracelets so i guess its really true..im a bracelet whore.
Politics - i HATE them. Not looking forward to my political science class next semester. Me and my dad always get into arguments because according to him im a liberal and he is a republican. I guess i am a liberal but i dont see anything wrong with it like he does. If your not republican and dont watch Glenn Beck, then according to my parents your in the wrong, but thats okay because i am thinking for myself which is really cool.
School starts in 11 days. Having mixed feelings about starting. Last semester was so good that im scared this one will fail miserably. I didnt want last semester to end, but once it did and i had time to myself, i forgot how awesome it was to not have an agenda for a few weeks..going to be really hard to get back into the swing of things. I know this semester will be alot harder than my last one, and mondays WILL be the death of me. Being at solano from 11am to 9pm isnt healthy for anyone, going to do everything in my power to not go crazy. THANK GOD for technology that will save me.
I started taking my anger out on the pool balls and it actually really helped which is kinda cool. Everytime I hit the cue ball it makes me feel like im actually good at something. Kind of odd that pool would be my thing, but then again im not really "normal" when it comes to alot of things, but who does society say is normal? ;) (just had to incorporate that in here somehow)
Lately it seems like im behind everyone in things they are doing or what they are into. This past month ive watched 500 days of summer, juno, rent, and twilight is next on my list. I love that im just discovering these things on my own time and not when everyone else is, gives me something to look forward to. Got an iphone finally..about TIME! everyone in my family(minus my dad who still has a 2G phone) and many of my friends have them, i LOVE this phone, probably more than an inatimate object should be loved. There is so much i can do with it, drink recipes, games, the bible, weather, school apps, everything a person needs is contained on this phone. My favorite app would definetly be the police scanner, im addicted. Always have that thing turned on and i love when something rediculous comes through like when a wife hit her husband with a wii remote or when a guy lit a trash can on fire and put it in his house..wtf?
Got myself new bracelets..a peace bracelet because it always reminds me that i need to be peaceful and there is more important things in life than drama. Lauren gave me one of my favorite bracelets ever..the fact that it came from disneyland makes it even cooler. Its simple..just says hope. But that little 4 letter word has such a huge impact on my life. Everytime i look at it, reminds me that i can never give up and i have to always keep hoping because i never know when that hope will turn to reality. :) Both my wrists are covered in many bracelets so i guess its really true..im a bracelet whore.
Politics - i HATE them. Not looking forward to my political science class next semester. Me and my dad always get into arguments because according to him im a liberal and he is a republican. I guess i am a liberal but i dont see anything wrong with it like he does. If your not republican and dont watch Glenn Beck, then according to my parents your in the wrong, but thats okay because i am thinking for myself which is really cool.
School starts in 11 days. Having mixed feelings about starting. Last semester was so good that im scared this one will fail miserably. I didnt want last semester to end, but once it did and i had time to myself, i forgot how awesome it was to not have an agenda for a few weeks..going to be really hard to get back into the swing of things. I know this semester will be alot harder than my last one, and mondays WILL be the death of me. Being at solano from 11am to 9pm isnt healthy for anyone, going to do everything in my power to not go crazy. THANK GOD for technology that will save me.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Hmmmm..
Red jumpsuit lyrics...
Damn regret, I'll try to forget
Don't worry about me 'cause I'm refined.
Tried so hard to not have regrets in my life. But this past year i let myself make too many mistakes and now have regrets i wish i could take back. I hate myself for letting these things happen but I take full responsibility for them and only have myself to blame.
It always seems like the end of the world when you make one, and it consumes your everyday thoughts. But after awhile those feelings and memories start to fade. This can be good, but it can also be bad. I wish i could let go and live my life without regrets, but im only human. Just wish i didnt lose a few people close to me these past few days. I hate that ive hurt them and couldnt give them what they wanted. I really wish i could fix everything and give people what they want but i would be miserable myself, so i guess deep down i know im worth something..just trying to figure out what it is.
When i have let myself do things i really think it through, even if they arent the best choices. People can judge me all they want, but if you want to play with morals..my sins are no worse than yours..so stop trying to be holier than thou.
According to dictionary.com the word USED means: to take unfair advantage of; exploit.
I guess you could say this word rules my life. Everyone tells me how much they love me and blah blah..but i realized its only because i let people walk all over me and use me all they want because i have no spine and cant stand up for myself. And when I do, it just gets ignored and nothing changes. So i see no point in changing things, just keep letting myself be used and maybe one day i will be the one who is getting a ride somewhere or "occupying" my room, to say the least. Just keep looking forward to those days, while distracting myself with the things i can change.
Damn regret, I'll try to forget
Don't worry about me 'cause I'm refined.
Tried so hard to not have regrets in my life. But this past year i let myself make too many mistakes and now have regrets i wish i could take back. I hate myself for letting these things happen but I take full responsibility for them and only have myself to blame.
It always seems like the end of the world when you make one, and it consumes your everyday thoughts. But after awhile those feelings and memories start to fade. This can be good, but it can also be bad. I wish i could let go and live my life without regrets, but im only human. Just wish i didnt lose a few people close to me these past few days. I hate that ive hurt them and couldnt give them what they wanted. I really wish i could fix everything and give people what they want but i would be miserable myself, so i guess deep down i know im worth something..just trying to figure out what it is.
When i have let myself do things i really think it through, even if they arent the best choices. People can judge me all they want, but if you want to play with morals..my sins are no worse than yours..so stop trying to be holier than thou.
According to dictionary.com the word USED means: to take unfair advantage of; exploit.
I guess you could say this word rules my life. Everyone tells me how much they love me and blah blah..but i realized its only because i let people walk all over me and use me all they want because i have no spine and cant stand up for myself. And when I do, it just gets ignored and nothing changes. So i see no point in changing things, just keep letting myself be used and maybe one day i will be the one who is getting a ride somewhere or "occupying" my room, to say the least. Just keep looking forward to those days, while distracting myself with the things i can change.
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