Identity: condition or character as to who a person is. But an identity can be shattered in the blink of an eye. Why is it that something that you've worked so hard for, is so easy to screw up?
I never realized how much of my life was tied to something so private. It was the very being of who I was and everything I stood for. Everyone knew me for my beliefs and standing up for my morals. But I guess none of that matters anymore, because I have let myself down and all those around me.
I have people close to me who i used to look at and tell myself i would never be that person, yet here i sit on my bed heading down that exact path. I honestly don't know how i feel at all. One minute im happy, the next angry, and then i break down crying. I take full responsibility for what happened, I knew the stakes and i still gambled. I became that girl i swore I NEVER would, and now im left feeling empty and alone.
Now im faced with figuring out what my next move should be. I have listened to advice from my friends, but none of it clicks for me. These 19 days of break have been the craziest and most adventerous I've ever experienced. Hiked 11 miles, jogged the hills, explored caves, made bon fires, made new friends. But the one thing that i will remember forever is the one thing that i cant bring myself to type. Because I think I am still in shock, i dont know how to act or what to say. Just slap a smile on my face and pretend everything is okay, because then i dont have to face it.
Tomorrow begins 6 weeks of summer school. Was looking forward to them in a weird way, but now my whole world has become consumed with my thoughts of my mistakes, and trying to focus on school will now become an uphill battle for me. Luckily im pretty good and fighting my way to the top of those hills, so i guess only time will tell what happens now.
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