Thanksgiving

Today started out just like every year before it for as long as i can remember. Every family has a yearly tradition, my family's is Drama, stress and fighting. Drama over how to spend the day because people cant simply plan their day and follow a schedule. Stress because people have no time management. Fighting because its a holiday tradition...so anything to start an argument will do. Today it was because i wouldn't help my mom get ready for the day because she was running late, and if i don't bow down to her I'm labeled self centered and selfish. Hearing this constantly is starting to get to me, and today i finally couldn't handle it and broke down in my sisters bathroom. Probably the best place to do it, because when you have a sister like mine, you can cry and look hideous, but still know how much you are loved and not judged. Today being thanksgiving, i am very very thankful that my brother married her, because i cant imagine my life without her.


Last night while doing my nightly jog, i was thinking how different my life is now than it was 1 year ago. So much has changed and happened that i didn't even realize until it hit me last night. At this time last year, i was dealing with the hardest thing i have ever had to face. Never did i imagine opening up to those closest to me with my past, but because i did it has helped me in every aspect of my life. I lost people that were close to me, but i guess it had to happen. I gained friendships that I never imagined i would have and became close with some amazing people who helped change my life.

I learned alot this past year about myself and others as well. I learned to look at the bright side of the darkness. That no matter how bad the situation, you can use it as a learning experience and turn it into a positive story that can help others. There is always someone who has it worse and is going through much harder things than you, so be thankful that you are not that person. Feeling sorry for yourself and complaining about your problems will get you no where in life, but helping those around you and putting yourself last will help you heal. I learned to do this and be there for other people and do whatever i can to please them and keep them happy, even if it meant putting myself in situations i shouldn't have. Lately it seems like I am being tested with my strength and morals. Almost daily i have to deal with guys who seem to think its ok to talk down to me because i don't give them what they want, or have rumors spread about me because i wont conform. I am always up for a challenge, but i can guarantee that i will not lose this battle. So they can keep coming after me one by one, but i have stood my ground and will continue to for as long as i have to.

There were two Oprah episodes that were dedicated to men who were raped and abused as children. I had never seen anything like this in my whole life, and i cannot believe how brave these men were to share their past and stories on national television for the whole world to see. I also don't think i have cried so much watching tv in my life. I was so happy that they could open up and not worry about what others would think, and i was shocked at how brave they were. It then forced me to look inside of myself and made me feel horrible because if they can talk about their horror, why cant i talk about mine? From that day on, i decided that i would not be embarrassed or ashamed or hide any more, and i will be open about the abuse that i endured.

I have grown into somebody that i have always wanted to be. Everyday, every situation, every time something doesn't go according to plan, it's just a lesson in disguise. It is our job to figure out what that lesson is. All the classes in psychology, criminal justice, and sociology that i have taken have opened my eyes to so much in life i never thought i would see, and i am so thankful that i have. I have learned about others around me who are "different" as society would label them, but i have gained so much knowledge and understanding about many cultures, genders, sexes, races, beliefs, and religions that my view on life is completely different than many people around me, but that's what makes life so beautiful. If everyone thought the same and believed the same, life would be so boring and dull. Differences are what make us individuals and it only makes me sad that many people cannot understand this and spend their time judging others. I have met so many people this semester, i cant believe it, and they have all changed my life for the better and taught me things. I love every one of them and i cant believe how lucky i am to have these new people in my life.

Thanks to my human sexuality class i have become very comfortable with sexuality and am so open about it, it might scare some people. This class made me take a look at my own life and the decisions i have made and will make when it comes to this area of my life. I finally know that it is okay to do things on my terms and feel the way that i do. People can judge me for them, but i have nothing to prove to anyone but God and so their ignorance is their problem, not mine. Yes, i have made some huge mistakes this year, but nothing that i ha vent been able to handle. I believe regret it a wasted emotion because you can't change the past, so why ruminate about it? I have felt guilty and of course regretted my decisions, but i have learned to live with myself and realize that i am only human. If you have hung out with me recently, you have heard my stereotype bend that i am on. Mostly about gender, but i am finally realizing how much society tries to make us be what they think is normal, but no one person can decide what is normal, so everywhere i look i see examples of racism, stereotyping, prejudice, discrimination, and it breaks my heart that people have the "heart" to hate others, and it makes me upset that people will go through life hating and judging others and being miserable and will miss out on the amazing things life has to offer.


So here is what I'm thankful for this year:

I'm thankful that this has been the hardest year of my life. Thankful that i have been hurt. Thankful I faced things i never wanted to. Thankful for all the things that went wrong. Because if it wasn't for these things, i wouldn't be the person i am today, and i owe it every one of my friends who helped me through. This year i learned to turn tragedies into positive experiences, and I cant think of anything greater than this.

fake.

According to the dictionary the word fake means: imposter, a person who makes deceitful pretenses.

If only it could capture the emotions that a fake person brings to those they surround. Everyday we encounter many people in our lives and most of the time we do not even know who these people are, yet we think we do. We fall victim to their lies, and facades they present because we want to believe in genuine kindness.

My parents and family members are the worse excuse for christians i have ever seen in my life. They hate.judge.abuse.hurt.gossip.slander.degrade.reject. everyone around them if they do not believe and agree with every word that flows out of their hypocritical mouths. They are quick to judge, and push their beliefs on others, but cant take a minute to hear what others believe. Close mindedness is to me, the worst thing that can happen to a person. How someone can live life only seeing one side of everything and being bitter towards everyone and everything blows my mind.

If we are all in college, why are we acting like jr. highers and highschoolers with our bullshit drama? Hurting whoever we can because we are not comfortable with ourselves is the dumbest thing we can do. People who are trying to "defend" others, are only trying to prove their masculinity and cause more drama, not really trying to protect others. if you have to tear others down to build yourself up, i feel so sorry for you. If we dont grow up and learn to act like the adults that we are, trouble is headed our way like a speeding train.

I am so sick of being the one holding everyone up and being the strong one. Everyone has problems, and some are serious..but others are miniscule like boys and looks. I have to walk around with a huge secret inside because people arent strong enough to handle it, and it would crash their worlds. But has anyone thought of what its like for me to have to deal with this and think about it every damn day of my life. Who worries about how i am handlng it? im told all the time im strong..but i dont want to be. I want to cry and ask for help. I have people who support me, but i need a third party psychologist who can really help me sort through all these feelings. and having to deal with dumb shit everyday is pushing me farther and farther to the edge.

I need to be away from everything that brings me down.